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Acknowledgement

10 April 2016 No Comment
Shanti Nilaya, Bangalore

Shanti Nilaya, Bangalore

Old memories are very easy to get, except that once you write about something, you’ve destroyed it. You no longer have the memory. You only have the memory of what you’ve written.

Annie Dillard

 

It’s been 5 years plus.

Everything that led to where we are, who we are.

And pieces of history- lie ignored…

But that’s the glory of victors and shame of the weak—

 

Everything that led to where we are,to who we are.

You don’t acknowledge me.

Or US.

 

We were not equals—

It is the weak that has to bend, to understand, to suffer the violence…

Violence of threat and control.

Nobody knows that.

Nobody knows that fall from grace.

I recall it. 5 years odd later.

 

Everything that led to where we are, to who we are.

You don’t acknowledge it at all.

 

ack meaning

 

 

The mind does a funny trick.

It begins to erase all the ugly—and fill it with memories of cheer.

It’s modes of survival, really.

Formative beginnings via Nokia 3310, Hutch & Yezdi.

Sketches. Travels. Our moves- across cities, cross countries.

Insecurities. Doubts. Love. Affection.

 

You don’t acknowledge that—

Everything that led to where we are, to who we are.

 

The damages were banked—

And weighed against each other.

You, me— we tried to outdo one another.

In the end, one hoop after the next—

‘How much higher can you jump?’, you asked as you put me to the test.

You ‘the provider’, me ‘the recipient’.

We were JUST not equals—

You ‘the privileged’, me ‘the other’—

 

Why won’t you acknowledge any of this—

Everything that led to where we are, to who we are?

 

Here I pause, here I catch my breath—

As the pain of the past becomes real.

Knots, twists and rolls of anxiety— my body fights before it accepts.

The final brutality of our love—

 

I acknowledge that your contempt of me is justified.

I left without a goodbye. No bags were packed. Everything left untouched.

I have no excuses. And I won’t make them.

 

But

I acknowledge you.

That who I am today—

Those 7 years— I grew up with you.

You demanded better of me, you pushed me to want more.

And when I did imbibe all that in practice- it was not the ‘I’ that you loved.

 

 

And

I acknowledge you.

I acknowledge US.

The benchmark of intellect, devotion and sentimental savagery—

And I will continue to recognize that in all that I do.

Because it is—

Everything that led to where I am, to who I am.

 

 

 

Thank you for the good times, the bad & the ugly.

 


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